Have's Faves Announces the Winner of Haverhill's Favorite Couple — The Marquezes

In the little hell-hole of Assachusetts where everyone knows everyone’s zodiac sign and all the dirt on their ex’s new lover...

Enter Kerry Kupid, our self-proclaimed Certified Relationship Logistics Specialist, who has paired more couples than Pare's Liquors. Known around town for her ability to turn awkward introductions into long-term relationships, fuck-buddies or at least memorable one-night-stands.

“She told me Mike was handsome in an 'only God can judge me' kind of way," Megan said, laughing. “Then she told Mike I was ‘the most lady-like thug with a neck tat she had ever met’”

The rest, as Kerry Kupid will tell you between slurps of Pink Pussy, “was a match made in Hell Town.” The couple’s first date took place at the only bar in town where Kerry is still allowed.

Witnesses report seeing “mad question asking, blunt passing, music blasting" and “what appears to have been light hand holding, but it may have just been an illegal drug transaction.”

Now, Mike is putting the finishing touches on the coup at Megan’s family estate — a true labor of love designed to shelter the dowry: one Goat and two chickens.

Kerry Kupid is already getting bombarded with calls from singles hoping she can “work her weird-ass magic again.”